The Worst Company in History and They Have My Money
UPDATE:
After 24 hours of being tied to my phone, they told me not to worry, someone would be calling me in the next few hours. 

24 hours later, still nothing. I contacted them again. 

They told me I needed to go to an ATM and withdraw money and return to them within 24 hours so they can schedule a new call. 

I didn't get the first call. I'm certain. I have never actually hated a company before. 

Oh, and when I asked to contact someone else, all I could get was the complaints email address. There is no way to talk to anyone higher up than the chat support people.

********

I have been trying to regain access to my account for almost a month now. The hoops they have you jump through in order to identify yourself would be laughable if it wasn't so enraging. 

You have to talk to them in the chat; and then go to an ATM and withdraw money (which incurs fees where I live now); and then come back to them and talk to them again within 24 hours. I received each step of that process in a different conversation with them. No one told me as I wrote it here. It was "go to an ATM." Then, after I did "No you have to tell us within 24 hours of the withdrawal." Okay, did that. "No, you have to have talked to us within 24 hours so we know it's you." 

Then, once you finally get through that, they want to give you a "confirmation callback" with a special access code they gave you in the chat. This amazing system is that they will "call you within 24 hours"

Within 24 hours. 

Absolutely no way to get a smaller window. I don't know, maybe most of their clientele don't have jobs or lives or anything better to do with literally an entire calendar day, but having to wait by the phone for 24 hours really makes me angry. And if you miss the call? Well screw you you'll have to start all over again.

Not to mention that the reason for all the troubles is that I moved to a new country and my old phone number no longer works. So, now there's a 9 hour time difference but I have to get all of this done during their business hours. I'm not allowed to talk to the branch of the company that is in my current country. No, that would be too easy.

This is the absolute worst scam of a "bank" I've ever seen. I can't imagine how this is something that is really happening in this day and age. I cannot access my own money because they've held it hostage by their theatre of security. I don't feel secure, I feel insulted.

Because, you can give them all of your personal information; offer to send photos of your passport; recite every identifying factor of your person, and they still won't do a damn thing until you do their 48-hour dance of self-indulgence. It's absolutely disgraceful. 

Once I regain access and get my money out of their claws, I will be closing my account faster than you can say "sorry, it's been 25 hours: start over again."